Of passing licensure exams

I have waited 53 days for this day and have prepared for far longer than that. To be completely honest, I wasn't confident that I'd pass the exam. I honestly didn't think would. I never told anyone that because I know they'll tell me "of course you'll pass, ikaw pa." I never told anyone how I rushed answering 30 items of Nursing Practice 1 because I only had 20 minutes left. I was so scared after that, I almost cried after I gave my proctor my answer sheet. I was genuinely scared - 30 items is a big deal but I had no other choice. I sucked it up and let it go so as not to affect the next 200 items I was about to take and left it all up to God.

It was for this reason that I was dead set on forgetting what happened those two days. I didn't want to worry while waiting because the wait was worse enough. I tried and failed miserably. Every time I reminded myself that I should not play scenarios in my head or overthink it, I end up doing just that. I would scream profanities at anyone who reminded me of how close we were to knowing the results. I wasn't ready to face the results up until yesterday afternoon when I was sitting alone on the edge of the bed while my boyfriend went out to find his dad. I do not know what came to me, it just felt like the right time to accept that things would happen whether I wanted them to or not.

I woke up this morning at 8:30AM with people freaking out on Twitter because they couldn't access the PRC website already - a sign that the results would be out within the day. I honestly thought they were overacting as I was expecting the results to come out tonight. I also woke up with insane back pain so I thought taking pain meds wouldn't hurt my cause. They'd make me groggy and would force me to sleep. They did just that as I slept through most of the morning. I woke up around noon and refused to leave my room and eat anything until I saw the results. I also said that showering would have to wait. These things didn't have to wait long though as a few hours later, the tweets and Facebook wall posts came in that said the results were up.

I was surprisingly calm while I turned on my computer and waited for it to start up. Do not be fooled for my heart was threatening to escape my rib cage, my hands were cold and shaking, and my brain suddenly decided to stop sending signals to my lungs thus I forgot to breathe.

I waited and waited and waited and it was unnerving. The damn document took forever to load. When it did, I just mustered up whatever courage I had left and thought "whatever happens, happens. Let's just just get this shit over with" so I scrolled down to D and started looking for my name. And there it was.

I never thought I'd cry when I see my name on the list but I did. I don't think I've ever been that happy in my life that I just broke down into tears for a good five minutes before I stood up to scream and dance like a retard. I don't think my very forgetful brain will ever forget that moment. Ever.

Anna Beatrice dela Cruz, RN. It still hasn't sunk in. It all feels surreal. I still get kilig every time someone congratulates me. I think I'll stay in this state for a few more days, it's too good to let go.

PS. It's also Symphony Soldier's anniversary today. Just the cherry on top of a perfectly awesome sundae.