Letters from an anonymous

Multiply is removing all it's social networking features come December 1st so I decided that today would be a good time to re-visit my old blog and check out what stuff I want to salvage. To be perfectly honest, I have no intentions of saving the blog posts I've written over my stay on Multiply but I did want to save these letters. These letters are not from me. They were written out by a person I know who at the time needed an escape - a place to write down feelings. I didn't ask for permission to save them but I'm sure this person wouldn't mind. We might even laugh about these letters now. Let's just say I want to keep these as a reminder and for future blackmail use.

PS. This is a lengthy post seeing as there are 4 letters here. Read at your own risk.

written anonymously (01/20/09)

January 20, Tuesday. nothing special, inauguration of pres. elect. Barack Obama, the one who people expects to bring change to the whole world. "CHANGE". A word that eats my entire mind right now, oh well, philosophically wise, Heraclitus said, "the only permanent thing in this world is change," then why'd we need obama for a change? it's permanent, it's there. I am not anti-obama, I am anti-change, this morning, i just got up a lot earlier than i used to. I have a class at 9 am, calculus one, but this feeling im bearing, was the hindrance for me to take that subject for quite some time now, I now have 4 absences in my Math class, this isn't me, not at all. But when. the "change" came. Everything followed.

I'm anonymous, no name, no life, no mind, but I have a heart, yes, indeed, i do have one, and this heart, pumps so much blood in my life that i just can't overhear what it says to my mind, ohwell. Even though the change came to my life. I still haven't changed my perception in prioritizing my heart, since it is the center of my Life. yeah. you know that. center of my life.

I just turned seventeen, but I keep telling people that I just turned eighteen so I would have equality in bad rights these world has. >:). unfortunately, i never did use them. and i never will. dont drink, smoke, sell drugs, do drugs, watever.

little did i know, that the moment I changed my age, everything will follow, soon enough that i had no chance to enjoy my birthday.

It's been days, since you went away, :D

and uhh. if you people, are reading this entry, better hear out "say goodbye-chris brown", it will give you the details you need, to somehow relate to this blog entry.

there, uhh, we, we were strong back then. We even lasted for a year now, 13 months to be exact, with no fights, arguments, painful words thrown at each other, unfortunately, you, yeah i mean you, kept all the pain, shared it once, never did again, I dont know if I broke your heart when we were still together, i dont know, really i know nothing. and this ignorance, kept me believing things the way i want to believe it. i had so much trust, love, faith, everything, i gave everything. or maybe a little more than everything.

but ever since the change took place. everythng was out of control, you left, hurt me without prior notice. :D

gahd. i can't continue on writing the remaining facts that made us whole and broken. I just can't. Can't forget about you, forget how to love you, forget to live without you, you were just perfectly made for me back then, until. one day. everything changed, You were hurt, and so am I.

Listen to your heart? :)) even chris brown, tells me not to say goodbye. :)) painful, but o yea. lovable :D.

I was hurt, definitely hurt, you left, but you brought my heart. :)). "ang emo." oh well, i have nothing against emo people, they do express love, know how to love just like how i loved you, giving a part of our life, our heart, yes friend, our hearts, but i am not emo, emo are too dark-sided, that they could take their own live just to have their love back. Ironic. =)). you'll give your own life to have her back, :D how could you have her, if you are enclosed in a coffin, doin nothing? I am different. :D very different. I put so much effort, too much effort :D. that it again led me to another tragic, painful ending. =)). I AM DEAD! >:). lol. kidding aside, I saw you, having him on your side, still, quiet, and uhh, secured. but then again, my heart stopped me in doing anything, i can't even run that fast. you lied to me, broke my heart into pieces. :)) =)), painful, but since I am in love, those little pieces of my heart suddenly became whole again, shouting your name to my mind, I can't get angry. I can't and I wouldn't.

Physically I am not dead right now. but if you'll look more inside of me. you'll see a dead person with a living heart.

I hope I could withstand the pressure this world has, til you come back to me. Or maybe, i hope someone would need it badly, so I can do something right one last time, and give it to the needy, charitable! oyes!

okay. im done. for now bye

-----

written anonymously part two (01/22/09)

hey. it's me again, remember me? the persona who has a missing identity, missing life, missing everything these world had and of course the one who misses you so much.

it's been two days since i first wrote an anonymous blog entry, but just like what I've said in my first writings. Change will never abandon us. Change will be with us forever. Permanent and eternal.

If you're to read my mind and my heart the moment i wrote that first entry, you'll see me as someone enslaved by the feeling of love, but now that everything starts to change again. You'll see a different me. a different being. a different identity.

Tuesday, was the last day I cried for you, it turned out to be the needed spark to help me go with the flow of changes in my life.

I cried myself out that day, thinking that I'll never win you back, that I'll never escape from the trap i enclosed my self in., and thinking my future will be a blank sheet of paper if i don't have you.

but suddenly.

i woke up.

Have you ever dreamed of something cool, that you resist to wake up just to enjoy the dream you're having. But unfortunately, you'll just wake up and have to end something that had no perfect ending at all.

Dreams do end easily.

And with so much eagerness and sighs, we do want to go back into our dreams. and sleep forever.

But the truth is, change will wake us up, and will never give you the chance to sleep and dream again to have your desired ending.

I found myself trapped in a dream I made up, I loved it, every part of that dream was like a fantasy. but the moment i woke up. I felt the pain it caused.

I enjoyed it much and i was never letting go of it. I never wanted it to end, I was not ready after all.

Everyone has to wake up, end the dream, and be adaptive to the change it causes. I loved it so much that i do want to go back to sleep just to have that desired dream again. Unfortunately, I just can't. No body can. Not even you.

Do you ever think of me?

Because I do. I dream of you a lot, you're the dream i wanted so much. You are but just a dream. Dream that I'll never forget.

I moved on from the pain.

Miraculously, I now feel no pain at all.

It was like a gift from heaven - an immunity from pain.

I just feel normal again. I can now think of happiness again. Everything changes. Everything that Change will change. After all, It's permanent, and it's changing. :D

But the love will be there, continue in being there, hidden and treasured. For someday, I still believe, that this love will be a need.

I'll be right here where you've left me. :) same me, same love, same heart for you.

You just have to ask me back. for i still know, that that dream will turn into reality. once you love me again. :)

I still love you. :) on a different status. -- I am happy now. Happy for you, for us.

I would like to thank the following for dropping a comment :)

Jamayca and Erika. Thank you.

Bea. Thank you for allowing me to release my feelings here.

YOU. For being my inspiration to write. :))

and YOU. For making me really happy in those times I'm dreaming.

I'll still.

still.

and.

still.

Love you by. :)

-----

anonymous (01/29/09)

Pathetic.

Stressing out all the feelings in here that I had before.

But, you know what? it just feels great to say every part of what you feel rather than keeping it to yourself. Besides, I have no shame at all, I am anonymous, no identity, no mind, no body, no heart.

And so I'm writing another post written anonymously.

I'm trying to reformat my life right now,

Though it is really hard for me to do it right now, it just came to me that ugh. I DAMN HAVE NO CHOICE AT ALL.

Oh well. I really do hope I can make it til I graduate, I just can't gamble the luxury of having a bright future ahead of me. I just can't. I have a family to support on after three to four years.

And maybe it is the right time for me now to take back what is mine.

I gave everything.

So I'm TAKING BACK EVERYTHING.

There is really no perfect timing.

We can never have one.

We can never handle time.

We can never take back what we had before nor can we see the future ahead of us.

We are humans, not heroes.

Definitely not a hero.

I enjoyed the feeling of being a hero for a long time, and now the eclipse came, everything changed, I was reminded that I was nothing but a human.

I'll miss it.

But I can never take hold of it. not anymore.

"I'll leave you alone for good, I promise, though there really is no right time to say goodbye. She ain't nothing like the girl I used to know."

-----

malevolence (03/01/09)

Is this really my place?

Writing thoughts behind someone's identity.

Did I put myself here? Did you? Or did we?

Is this the real me?

Or is this the me after you've left me?

I have so many questions to be answered. Unfortunately, there is no one to answer, leaving it to be the same old mystery I've been trying to solve for quite some time now. Shiiiz. Thanks to music. I almost got doomed.

My life's too dark right now. Trapped in a feeling where I just can't be the same old nonchalant person I used to be. I just want to scream these out.

Can we go back to the days

Our love was strong.

Can you tell me how

A perfect love goes wrong.

Can somebody tell me

How to get things back,

The way they used to be.

I'll just sleep these feelings out.

Scream it now, Think of it Later

How can you be sure that things are better?

If you can't be sure your heart is still here with me

Still wanting me

Malevolent Writings.